Only Love And Death Will Change All Things
by caremkefo
Summary: John gets wounded on a mission. Written for the prompt, '"Why are you stopping? We need to keep going" / "I just realized I've been shot" / "Really? Now? You have the worst timing"'


Rodney crashes through the undergrowth, suddenly grateful for all the other times he's had to run for his life. Usually Sheppard's in front, leading the way, but today he's becomes aware that his team leader is staggering to a halt behind him.

"Why are you stopping?" he demands, keeping an ear out for the sound of their pursuers. Any lead they have could be lost if they stand around for too long. "We need to keep going."

"I just realised I've been shot."

And it hits Rodney then just how _pale_ John is. "Really? _Now?_" he snaps, shrugging off his backpack and shoving his hand to the bottom, fingers feeling for the medkit that always ends up buried beneath handheld computers and scanners - the things he uses most often in the field. "You have the _worst_ timing."

"Sorry, McKay," Sheppard drawls, slumping against a tree and sliding down into a sitting position. "Next time I'll just keep bleeding and drop dead before we reach the gate."

Sheppard is clutching his hand to his left side, red soaking his shirt and oozing between his fingers, and Rodney feels lightheaded as he prepares to tend the wound. Not because he's bad with blood (he doesn't _like_ it, but then who does? It's supposed to stay on the _inside_ of your body) but because it's _Sheppard's_. Sheppard who, for all his suicidal risk-taking, has always managed to escape - relatively - unscathed. His hands shake as he gently moves Sheppard's hand aside and lifts up his shirt.

Sheppard sucks in a breath. "Hurts," he gets out through gritted teeth.

"Well, of _course_ it hurts," Rodney snaps. "You've been _shot_."

"With that bedside manner, you'd make a terrible doctor."

"I _am_ a doctor," Rodney points out automatically as he washes away the blood with some bottled water. He just isn't a _medical_ doctor. Though he does know that shock and adrenaline can prevent you from noticing injuries until much later.

He's imagined what it would be like to lift Sheppard's shirt up over his head; unbutton it and slide it off his shoulders. In the dark, quiet moments when it's just him, he's imagined putting his fingers on Sheppard; imagined how Sheppard would feel under his hands. But not like this. Never like this. There's no blood in his fantasies, and in the present he's painfully aware that the hole in Sheppard's side _won't stop bleeding_.

Sheppard's eyes go wide. "_Rodney!_"

Rodney sees Sheppard's hand reach for his gun before he registers the warning in his voice. He throws himself aside to give Sheppard a clear line of sight, hearing several shots ring out as he's showered in pieces of bark when an enemy bullet hits the tree above his head. He reaches for his own sidearm, his actions not as smooth and well-practiced as any of the marines on Atlantis, but his weapon is soon in his hand and he's aiming it at their attackers.

_Attacker_, he realises when he has his gun pointed at the lone Genii soldier who's found them. Sheppard's shots must have all gone wide for the man to still be standing. It's unusual for Sheppard, but then he _is_ badly injured. Then he realises the soldier has his weapon pointed not at Rodney, but at Sheppard.

"Drop it!" Rodney shouts, hoping that the trembling in his hands isn't noticeable.

"I'm out," he hears Sheppard tell him quietly.

Rodney swallows. Whether they live or die is entirely down to him, and he's never killed anyone before. Well, no-one who wasn't a _Wraith_.

The soldier gun stays trained on Sheppard as he looks at Rodney, then to Sheppard, then back to Rodney.

Rodney squeezes the trigger.

The soldier staggers but doesn't fall, so Rodney fires again. The soldier drops to his knees. Rodney fires a third shot, and the soldier is down.

"Check him," Sheppard tells him.

Rodney doesn't want to look at the soldier's body; doesn't want to see the damage he's inflicted on another human being. But he knows that an enemy who isn't dead is still dangerous, no matter how injured, so he clenches his jaw and inches closer, gun trained on the unmoving body. As he gets closer there's a wet-sounding gurgle, a bubble of blood at his mouth, then silence. He kicks the soldiers gun aside, and presses two fingers to the side of his neck. Nothing. He holsters his weapon and returns to Sheppard's side to finish applying the dressing.

"There," he says when he's done the best he can. He shoves the kit back in his backpack, hauls it onto his shoulders, and helps Sheppard to his feet. "Lean on me."

Together they make it to the gate where Teyla and Ronon are waiting for them. They dial Atlantis and stagger through the event horizon, where Carson and his medical team take one look at Sheppard and whisk him off to the infirmary.

Rodney can't debrief Elizabeth, not like this. Not when he's afraid Sheppard might die. Not when he starts to gesture as he talks, only to fall silent and stare at his hands which are red with Sheppard's blood. He heads to his quarters and strips off his gear, stepping into the shower and scrubbing his skin raw until he's certain that every trace of Sheppard's blood has been washed down the drain.

He dries himself off and throws on sweatpants and a t-shirt because they're the first thing that comes to hand, then he heads to the infirmary. Sheppard's out of surgery already, and either he was longer in the shower than he thought or Sheppard wasn't as badly injured as he'd looked.

"You can sit with him," Carson tells him. "Talk to him, if you'd like."

So Rodney does. He threatens to kill John himself if he ever gets injured again; begs him to be more careful in the field. He lists all the ways that Lorne would be a better leader for their team; admits that he doesn't trust anyone else to keep him in check. He complains that John drives him crazy; admits that he loves him.

"I know," Sheppard croaks.

Rodney's mouth goes dry. Sheppard was still supposed to be out of it. Sheppard wasn't supposed to— "What?" he squeaks.

Sheppard squints against the bright lights of the infirmary. "What you said... _I know._"

"That you drive me crazy?" he says, because he can't quite believe that Sheppard would mean the other thing.

"The other thing," Sheppard rasps, like he's read Rodney's mind.

"Here," Rodney says, thrusting a glass of water at him a little too roughly in his embarrassment. He'd thought he'd done a good job of hiding how he feels, and he wonders how long Sheppard's known for.

Sheppard wraps his lips around the straw, his cheeks hollowing as he sucks, and Rodney's hit with the sudden image of his lips wrapped around his cock. Then Sheppard looks as him, and _winks_.

_I love you._

_I know._

And it's like a lightbulb goes off in Rodney's brain. "You... You..." he stammers, gesturing wildly. "You Han Solo-ed me!

Sheppard huffs a laugh, then starts choking.

"Alright, don't die. I'm going to get Carson."

That's when it hits him that _he killed a man today_, and he throws up. "I'm fine," Rodney tries to reassure him, when nothing more will come up. He reaches for Sheppard's water. "I just..." But he can't say the words.

John seems to get it, though, because there's understanding in his eyes.

Carson chooses that moment to check up on Sheppard. "Rodney?" he asks, moving to the scientist's side when he sees the vomit on the floor.

"He's fine, Carson," Sheppard tells him. "Just the mission catching up with him, right?"

"Right," Rodney agrees.

"Alright, well, let's get you into a bed anyway," the doctor tells him.

He lets Carson fuss over him, while a nurse cleans up the mess he's made. He sends an apologetic look her way, but she simply narrows her eyes then ignores him. When Carson turns his attention to John, so does Rodney.

"You'll be alright," Carson declares. "But you won't be going off-world for a while."

"Can you tell the rest of the team?" John asks. "I'm sure Teyla would like an opportunity to visit her people on the mainland."

"Aye. I can do that."

"Hey, Rodney," John says, once they're alone.

"Hmm?"

"You can't... I know we're not on Earth, but..."

Rodney hears his unspoken words as clear as a bell: _You can't tell._ "I know."

"Can you... Are you okay with that?"

Not that he's affected by DADT as a civilian, but Rodney's been hiding his sexuality since he started working with the US military - perhaps going too far in his attempts to come across as a straight man given some of the things he regrets having said to Samantha Carter - so it doesn't bother him as much as it should when he nods, because John Sheppard is a man worth hiding for.


End file.
